working and college and treatment...oh my!
Hello there,
I am 23 and struggle with borderline personality disorder and co-morbid bulimia. I went into intensive treatment from 2012-2014. I used up all my college savings to pay the medical bills (nearly $10,000), but still had to turn to my parents for help. Thankfully, I am in recovery now and doing well, despite the occasional minor relapse. However, I struggle with having financial independence. When I first went to the hospital, my mom was outwardly reluctant about the costs (her exact words were: "we shouldn't have to spend the family's money on a problem she caused for herself.") As a result, I feel immense shame whenever I ask them for help with money.
After treatment, I continued college but was unable to get financial aid because the government considers me a dependent until I'm 24 and assumes the parents will pay my tuition (which is definitely not the case). As a result, I'm waiting another year before continuing my degree, meanwhile trying to work and be independent by renting my own place. Living with my parents is like living in a pressure cooker...stressful, shameful, restricted, and every move is scrutinized.
My seasonal job ended a month ago and all the job options I had lined up fell through. For the past several weeks, I've been applying and even landing a few interviews, but I'm either not "experienced" enough or they don't like the idea that I'm planning to go back to school, limiting my availability. I'm also being picky about what kind of jobs I apply for. I've found I'm much more successful in recovery if I enjoy my work and also have the opportunity to be challenged, solve problems, and contribute my talents. That pretty much knocks out jobs like fast food or general labor. Recently, I've been second-guessing my preferences and thinking I should lower my expectations.
Between bills and rent, I've depleted all but $400 of my savings from my summer job and have no idea how I'm going to pay rent next month if I don't have a job in the next week at least. I'm ashamed of myself for doing it, but I stole some groceries the other day because I feel like I can't pay for food. I hate that I might be reduced to going to my parents again and my mom's scolding attitude about how I'm a financial burden and should be able to solve my own problems. I keep promising I'll pay them back, but haven't been able to.
I'm scared and discouraged. I want so badly to be successful and can't understand why nobody wants to hire me because every employer I've ever had has loved having me work for them because I'm dedicated and creative and learn quickly. I even tried re-opening my piano studio and freelancing my musical talents, but haven't had much luck with that either.
Please: if you feel so inclined, I would appreciate any amount you are able to donate. I am determined to live and to recover. I aim to make a difference in the world and help people who have struggled with mental health as I have. Your generosity will help me through this rough patch and help me achieve that goal.
Please send donations to: paypal.me/aspenleaf9
Thank you for reading; for listening to my story
Thank you for caring
Thank you for your help.
Sincerely,
~Esther J.
